Ask Jay is ZUMI’s weekly relationship advice column
Thank you for helping other people. I hope you can help me too. I am 26 and my boyfriend is 30. We have been together for four years, and have even talked about getting married. Some months ago, we had an argument and he said he wanted to break up with me. Around that same time, my ex and I had been contacting each other. So after the fight, I visited my ex and one thing led to another.
When my boyfriend said he wanted to get back together, I felt I should tell him that I cheated on him. He was angry initially but later, he said he had forgiven me. I felt it was fine since we had broken up when it happened. Our relationship has been okay so far but he has stopped talking about marriage. Anytime I ask him, he just tells me he has a lot on his mind.
Before I cheated on him, we were planning to get married in May 2019. What can I do?
If he’s hurt because you cheated on him, regardless of whether you were on a break or not, then he’s entitled to his feelings. But from the sound of things, your relationship is far from ‘okay.’ Not everyone is capable of forgiving a cheater and even though he loves you enough to try, it’s possible that he just has not been able to process that hurt.
In addition, there’s the issue of trust. He’s probably wondering if getting married is a good idea because of what happened, and this is understandable. He has to be able to trust you again and that may take longer than a few months.
However, if he’s incapable of truly forgiving you and giving the relationship another chance, then you might need to move on. Yes, you made a mistake, but you don’t have to spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Make out time to talk to him, really talk. Bring up the cheating and ask him up-front if that’s what’s keeping him from committing. Encourage him to open up to you and you may get the answers you need. Tell him how sorry you are and assure him you’ll never hurt him like that again. However, make it clear that if he cannot forgive, that’s okay too.
After having that talk, see if things change. If he’s still reluctant to go all in, you may have to accept the fact that the relationship is over. But it’s better to end things and try again with someone else than spend years hoping he will come around.
What do you think she should do in this situation? Please share your thoughts in the comment section. Also, read Jay’s advice to a woman who cannot escape being a side chick.
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